What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:20
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She wouldn,t have been !
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He knew the spot.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
All the time i was locked up.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
What did i know ?
This is soul school!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
What should I do to get over a relationship?
Who then, do I blame.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She found it foreign!.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve heard pretending to be asleep?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
When she asked me how she looked .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One cannot live in the past .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I don,t even have a pension.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Would this be the day?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was 9 years of age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was seconnd youngest,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
(And it was in our own minds.)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I waited trembling.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was in good health!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I have no regrets .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We were not on the streets..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I will be 64.
She loved him until the end.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Put me off passion for life!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Comes on , in middle age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She married twice! .
Ive learnt so much.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I said to her
So, i spoilt her more .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i lived it daily.
So whats the point in blame.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was very sick at this time too.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was scared of men, in general
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But, we were locked up after school.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I couldn’t, believe it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im still living with it.
It was going to be , some day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We all went to grammer schools
My life is so biszare .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I think the readers, may guess!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it wasn’t much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I write beautiful poetry .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.